I don’t want to make a melancholy post this early in, but I am going to try and chronicle every aspect of my life and adventure with horses so it wouldn’t be true without sharing these times as well. But hang in there, I’ll get to the positives 🙂
To start with I am incredibly tired and drained – I have worked for almost a month straight, no weekends off. And on top of that, I’ve had three exams to study for, so, when I wasn’t working I was studying.
So whatever it is I am feeling is most likely exacerbated by a lack of sleep and high stress. And what is it that I’m feeling? It is like there is a heavy weight hanging from me, both physically and mentally. That weight is also dragging a feeling of dark bleakness down, like a suffocating emptiness.
I had been quite fine until yesterday when I had my final mid session exam. It was a big one – if I failed this it was an automatic subject fail. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well and the whole time my hands were shaking. As it was a practical assessment I was terrified that I’d mix up the processes, there were a million things running through my mind and I found it hard to grab onto just one and hold it. Even at the end, I had so much doubt about whether I’d got the right results and if my interpretations were correct.
When I found out my results I was relieved, that’s for sure, but the angst didn’t fade, only the adrenaline which kept me moving forward. I sat in my car and broke down. It is so frustratingly illogical which makes it worse, I had just gotten a distinction, I should be completely stoked. But now I had come to the end and put everything into getting here, there was nothing left and no reason to push on. I have similar feelings after a big competition, particularly if I do well – I build myself up, achieve what I wanted and fall flat on my face in the following days.
You see I believe that hope is what keeps humanity going, the promise of something better. This is a very uneducated insight but I have always wondered why so many high socioeconomic status individuals in first world countries choose to give up, when there are many people facing terrible living conditions, who get up each day to just barely make it through. The people in the former group may ask themselves ‘is this all there is? Is this all that life has to offer?’, they have pretty much anything they could want for, whilst the latter may dream of something better.
Bringing it back to the point is that humans need to keep striving for something, always give yourself a future to look forward to and enjoy the journey on the way, for this is when you’re happiest. Always have a goal and don’t stop at that. Most of my goals are horse-related, I am happiest when I’m riding and I believe that this is because there are always improvements to be made – you’re always searching for perfection. And if perfection was attainable what a miserable life it would be, because then what?
So what am I going to do about my current mood? I’m going to ride my gorgeous horse and chase some dreams! I will also set myself some personal goals outside of riding as this is very much an aspect of my life which needs more consideration.
Do you experience similar feelings? And how do you overcome them? What goals are you working on?
All the best